My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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