i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
