never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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