I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
