He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
