by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
