Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
