Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
