Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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