the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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