I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
