hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize