You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
