just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
