I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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