How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
