Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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