I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
