Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Still dying that you shit outside
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
