Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
