Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
