there's paper in my vomit.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
