my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize