The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
