i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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