the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
