MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dicks are not precious.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
