when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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