Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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