Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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