i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
