Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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