You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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