I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
