I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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