There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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