I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
