summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
