Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
