Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
