Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
