i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
