final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
