I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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