i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
