how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
