Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
