just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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