after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
