Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
