he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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