Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
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I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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