I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
