"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have tasted many bathrooms
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
