My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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