Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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