someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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