I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think a kid would responsible me up
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
