Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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