he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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