if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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