Cold hands, warm shart.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
