I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
