Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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