How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
