...so i touched it.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
