He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
