I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
